| it's quite odd, to feel so old and so young all at the same time.
i'm back in tennessee, and as much as i love it, i need to go home. not want, but NEED. because, you see, i NEED my mother. i NEED her to tell me everything will be all right. and i NEED my dad to wrap me up in his arms and tell me it's okay to cry. and i NEED my safe places, in parks and at church, to feel like i have something left to hope in.
for it has been a rough semester back at school.
two and a half weeks ago, my life was good. not perfect, but definitely on its way. now i'm lost amid my tears and emotions i never even knew i had.
steven hunter is dead.
daniel jackson is dead.
emma catherine would've turned three yesterday.
to be so young, and die so early is a tragedy. in steven's case because he was healthy, vibrant, loving, and still had so much to offer the world. it must have been a mistake. because why would such a healthy 21-year-old just collapse like that? in daniel's case it was because he still had so much to discover about the world. murder is no way for anyone to die, let alone an 18-year-old kid. and emma. well, emma is still beautiful, and her memory still fresh in my mind, even after six months.
i lost hope. i locked myself in my room, didn't eat, didn't sleep. only cried. and five days later, after sitting with jacob and yelling and screaming and bawling and kicking and him just listening, things got better. but everywhere around me things seem to be returning to normal, and my world will never be normal again.
--deep breath deep breath--
things may not ever be normal again. but they will be okay. because my God is an amazing God, and He will guide my way.
"whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL, WITH MY SOUL"
things are still hard. certain things still make me cry. and i don't think i will ever sing "it is well" the same again. but the things that changed are unchangable, and i am a better person because of them. it was not their deaths that touched me so, but their lives. and i am grateful for every opprotunity i had to spend time with them.
"I am a lover of simple things; my banjo, rocking chairs, and mountains to name a few. I am doing my best to live a life that pleases the Lord, trying not to stumble too much. I do my best to live by my motto: 'No worries.' Why waste time? It's all in the Lord's hands."
-Steven Hunter (November 13, 1984 - January 18, 2006)
losing two people i love in the matter of days is not something i will just breeze by. there is no doubt in my mind that Steven has already started his eternity with our Father, but what about Daniel? i think that's what still hurts the most. not knowing.
because i knew you, i have been changed for good.
hebrews 10:23
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